where, o where,. . .

. . .has Emily gone?! O where O where could she be?!

So I haven't fallen off the earth. . . I've just up and moved to the heart of Texas with only 5 days notice. Arriving with only two large duffle bags and a backpack I have made the lightest move in the history of my life. I'd like to think that I have just learned to live with a whole lot less, but I only fear that which I will again acquire after some time here. Since I have arrived here I have been busy up to my brows learning the ropes of giving my full time to the Lord and His body. No, I haven't joined a convent,infact, far from such a thing. I have plently of connection with the rest of the world. I meet people everyday who are from various places all over the globe. THE university where I labor is currently just caddy-corner from where I am living. A happy little walk past two of my soon-to-be-favorite coffee houses and wahlah there is the campus. After walking all over the campus I discovered once again the reason I was 'fit' in college. . . the hike from one side to the other is quite the little work out, not to mention the 20 block hike I would take to get home when the buses were running too slow or I had a little time to kill. At any rate, the move has been probably what I have been needing, adding a little more structure to my life in a useful and purposeful direction. Orginially I had planned to come out here on a trial basis, to try out this full time service life. However, unbenounced to both those I have left behind me and those that surround me now, as well as, only just being realized by myself is the thought to just remain here indefinitely until He nudges otherwise. It's kinda crazy. I never wanted to become a Texan. So I guess I just don't look at it that way. Besides, just because I have this feeling to surrender to the Lord doesn't mean that He will do horrible things to me, and by horrible I mean something that I will just absolutely hate. I mean, He does know best. So why do I wrestle and argue with Him so much? I suppose I am just learning to trust Him more, that's all. . . just simply to trust by looking at Him and not all the things around me.

a Dr Seuss-ism

"Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr Seuss

license to. . .

. . .to kill? Nah, but definitely a license to drive would be applicable here. I went in to the DMV to have my license renewed the other day and now I am a not so proud owner of the *new* Oregon DL. Needless to say I think they are ugly. . . but perhaps that is just me. Anyways, I probably only feel that way because I have never been able to duplicate the surprizingly beauty of my college ID. Could someone please tell me why the flash has to go and make a person all washed out?! Sadly, unless I loose this, I wonJt be getting a new photo for eight years. Atleast what happened to my always-beautiful sister didn't happen to me. . . what's that? you ask. . . Well let me prefice this with telling you that my sister has gorgeous thick curly dark brown hair. . . and well, while she had her hair down partly up/down most of the day, something possessed her to undo the clip and wear her hair 'down' for the photo. . . uhm,... need I say more? . . .oh, but I simply must (sorry love). . . when the lady went to give her her license, she was like, "Uhm... I don't know what happened. Usually the printer doesn't stretch the photo." -- Uhm ya, dear, it wasn't the printer's fault. That IS her hair. Talk about a fro. Poor poor dear. Now there's a license to freak out.





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who woulda thought?

Who woulda thought? . . .
Originally uploaded by mle jane.

I'd be heading back to Texas? Some would says they *knew* it all along. Others would say that it was just a matter of time. I, for one, didn't know. But one thing I do know is that this whole 'following-the-lamb' thing is quite the adventure. Sure, it involves some trusting. . . ok, a lot of trusting. If you cannot see everything that lays before you, you need a guide, someone whom you can trust, and who better than the One who sovereignly arranged it all in the first place. Complete and full trust isn't necessarily in my nature. . . I fight and struggle and insist now and again,. . . but He is faithful to bring me back. Blindly I sometimes make messes of things. I trip. I get in other people's ways. I stumble others. Perhaps that is sovereign of Him too, but it isn't fun. And though it isn't enjoyable to pass through such times, His reassuring steady unfailing arm is there upholding me. His eyes, just one look and I just know that everything will be alright. And it is. I believe that even the things that don't seem right now, will be. We just need our sight renewed, from seeing things by our corrupted vision to seeing as He sees. . . in the Reality.

I can't believe *someone* took this butt shot of me!! CRAZY. "Shake it mle! Swag that walk!"

unplugged

When I get a real computer with internet I will get to see how this message actually posts from my Ogo. I can't imagine that it will look very pretty. Hmmm. For those reading, I now have my AIM account and MSN account accessable from this device. Currently I can also send and receive mail at my Hotmail account... Hope to catch you online some time. love, mlejane





These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com

Beeeeeeep! This is only a test. Had this been a real emergency. . .

Learning to blog via email was not something I thought I would have to learn, but since I will be moving Sunday without the house-load of computers that are now dwelling at my parent's I figured it was something that I had better learn to do.
Hence, this is only a test. Beeeeeeep. I repeat. This is only a test. This is not an emergency. Had this been a real emergency instructions would have followed this beep.
__________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Mail - Helps protect you from nasty viruses.
http://promotions.yahoo.com/new_mail

here ogo again. . .

So my sister gave me an OGO for X-mas/Birthday this year. A number of the family member's birthdays fall in December/January so we kinda practice a little of the 'killing of two birds with one stone' kind of gift giving. And besides then you can feel like you can give/get one larger present sometimes. Her birthday is tomorrow. I have no idea what to get her this year. Last year was easy. . . I knew exactly what to get her. This year, she seems to have it all. And I stuck without a car, barely able to prepare for my move to Austin Sunday. . .

Did I mention I was moving to Austin? I keep forgetting who I've told. I feel like I haven't hardly told anyone. Sunday will come and go. People will be wondering why they didn't see me, but then forget until another week flies by and I'm already in tym-buk-too training for campus ministry. Not being able to give a formal g'bye is strange. . . but in some ways it almost seems easier. I'm going to miss Portland. But I do believe that I will be back. Boy, I'm not really looking forward to this packing business. Grrr. . . I'm kinda dragging my heels to/thru it.

Brrrring... ring... ring... hello?

Ring... ring...

I got the call. And I answered.

"We'd like you to be in Austin by Sunday sometime."

Thinking - Uhm, it's Monday,... I'm in Eugene marinating with the girls down here. My family is going to flip. Guess I better get home to pack again. This is a crazy adventure.

"Amen, Lord."

I should come with a WARNING label

Did you know that I was this complicated when you started talking to me? Is it just me? or are others like this?

seeking someone to devour

It's a cold, wet New Year's day. There is sweet piano music resounding out the external speakers of the computer. I just need a hot mug of coffee and a cozy fireplace. . . Well, that and some good company. I'd have something and someone to just relax with and simply BE.

What's going on? I'm just tired of fighting the Lord. . . but both the Lord and we gain something through those times of wrestling. Well, I'm still wrestling with Him. Like Jacob, I don't want to let go until He blesses me. Perhaps my thigh is being touched, my natural strength and effort. . . but I still want something else. Being lame is no fun, a preservation maybe, and I wish I could say I have fully learned that one, but I still want to do some much, getting in His way and not allowing Him to do much at all. (After all, He's darn right slow sometimes, actually most the time.), hence, somehow I don't think I have learned it yet. Lord, You have to give us Yourself, or none of this is worth anything. I won't let go until You give us Yourself.

Something else that sucks, is sorting out my life. Oh to just be simple! Being the complicated tripartite being in the process of life. . . isn't necessarily all it's cracked up to be. Maybe where I error is in actually trying to figure it all out. I'd say I'd like to be simple again like a child, but even a child is inquizative(sp) and curious about how things work and such. . . therefore, such a reverse would not be entirely useful. What causes us not simply to love and simply to trust? Is it the cruelness in the world? in our past? in ourselves? Damn curruption. Damn satanic nature. In ourselves we are not safe from it. . . it lurks behind ever corner just waiting to pounce and devour us for a snack. (1 Peter 5;7-11). I hate it. Where are we safe from it? I'm told only in loving Him, in trusting Him. But one knows that we don't even have love for God and trust in Him in and of ourselves. What then? I suppose this is where we need to invite Him in again. . . and not only so, but also receive Him into us through our cooperation with Him by our receiving Him through His word. Allowing Him to become the Love in us, and the Trust/the Faith in us toward God. Running to His word. Opening to Him in His word. Now there's a concept. It seems almost absurd that such a simple seemingly non-related action to my dilemma would work, but perhaps it's worth a try? Would it simplify me? Perhaps. Oh I would hope so.

stop in the name of love

I don't think I really have any right to blog about love. I don't even really know what it is. I extinguish whatever flame comes my way. . . like I am afraid of the blaze and what it might do. One thing I am certain of is that I am not love, not in and of myself, that's for sure. Sure, I love, but my love hurts. Both myself and those it's unleashed upon, I'm afraid. And because of that I do not know if it is even something I should allow out anymore. However, I cannot stop loving. . . in whatever capacity that I do. I've tried to shut the door before, and inevitiably somehow, someone finds a way to come in. Even those that don't even try or suspect it. And that can be rather frightning. . . for both parties. . . maybe not at first, or maybe not til it's discovered, but at any rate,. . . love. It's one of those four-letter words that wreck havic of all degrees wherever it treads. I don't really regret having loved or loving, yet perhaps for the sake of the recipient I may feel some remorse of having subjected them to my love, untamed and indecisive as it is. Grrr. . . didn't I just begin by saying I shouldn't blog about love. Hmmm. . . yes, I do believe I did. I'm not babbling to make love seem trite. I do believe that love is a very real and genuine feeling. Even mine. . . as complicated and uninterpretive as it is. Sure, I still don't understand it. . . but perhaps I think that somehow blogging about it would help me sort things out about it. I donno. At this point all I know is I'm up too late tonight. . . second night in a row, and hence, this entry probably belongs in my drunk on fatigue blog, but the Travel Monkey deserves a little attention now and then too. Can't have them jealous over each other. (uhm, ya, I'm tired. . . personifying blogs could very well count as delerium, couldn't it?!) Ok, ok, I'll stop.